Kannst du mir helfen?

So, I'm trying to translate a poem, and this line has stumped me:

Alten Tanten
und Wickelkindern rollt die Zähre
ins Taschentuch ob dieser Märe.

I think it means (quite literally): Old aunts and swaddled babies roll their teardrops in purses, if this story [is true?].

This is the whole poem, for the sake of context:

Weihnachten
Erich Mühsam (1878-1934)

Nun ist das Fest der Weihenacht,
das Fest, das alle glücklich macht,
wo sich mit reichen Festgeschenken
Mann, Weib und Greis und Kind bedenken,
wo aller Hader wird vergeßen
beim Christbaum und beim Karpfeneßen; --
und Groß und Klein und Arm und Reich, --
an diesem Tag ist alles gleich.
So steht's in vielerlei Varianten
in deutschen Blättern. Alten Tanten
und Wickelkindern rollt die Zähre
ins Taschentuch ob dieser Märe.
Papa liest's der Familie vor,
und alle lauschen und sind Ohr ...
Ich sah, wie so ein Zeitungsblatt
ein armer Kerl gelesen hat.
Er hob es auf aus einer Pfütze,
daß es ihm hinterm Zaune nütze.

Savannah cats!

For Christmas, maybe?

http://www.a1savannahs.com/savannahs.htm

The Beatles- "In My Life"

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never ever lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Have I ever mentioned how I love, love, love snow? It's one of the most beautiful things ever.

Today a teacher brought his dog's puppies to school, in an effort to give them away. There were four Rhodesian Ridgeback/ Black Lab pups in the bed of his truck, all 6 weeks old, and if I was less sensible I would have taken one home in an instant. After New Zealand, Andres and I will get a pup for sure. I have always loved Australian Cattle Dogs, but I'm open to anything . . .

My uncle died over a year ago, on December 2, 2006. That was such a bad time for so many reasons. I'm just grateful to be where I am now.

Andres' mom loaned me The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down, by Anne Fadiman. It's about a Hmong child with epilepsy, and the culture collision that occurred when her parents sought treatment at a California hospital. So far, it's captivating. The author says about herself in the preface:

"I have always felt that the action most worth watching it not at the center of things but where edges meet. I like shorelines, weather fronts, international borders. There are interesting frictions and incongruities in these places, and often, if you stand at the point of tangency, you can see both sides better than if you were in the middle of either one."

I like that perspective.

Jack Johnson- "Better Together"

There’s no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart and our dreams
And they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-tone lovin’
Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go? and how come it's so hard?
It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing
It’s always better when we're together

Mmmm it’s always better when we’re together
Yeah, we’ll look at them stars and we’re together
Well, it’s always better when we’re together
Yeah, it’s always better when we’re together

And all of these moments just might find
Their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they’ll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things
For tomorrow night you see that they’ll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I’d be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We’ll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it’s always better when we’re together
Mmmm we’re somewhere in between together
Well, it’s always better when we’re together
Yeah, it’s always better when we’re together
Mmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmm

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now and, and when I wake up
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We’re Better together

Worth quoting

Smile
Like you've got nothing to prove
No matter what you might do
There's always someone out there cooler than you.

-Ben Folds

Wow, it's almost the end of 2007. Andres is on break, and I have one more day of work before I am too. I'm going down to Denver to see his family on Wednesday, and on Thursday I'll make my way down to Springs for Thanksgiving.

I've decided for sure that I'm going to sell my car. A part of me was hesitant to give it up because of it's uniqueness and overall difference from the mainstream, but the time has come. Andres and I really only need one car, and in a worst case scenario, I'm only about a 15 minute walk from work. Besides, the money from Sven will help with costs for New Zealand and the like. So, if you know anyone who is interested in a black 1992 Subaru SVX, ring me.

Hmm . . . what else . . . so, for a while, I've thought it would be cool to have a tarantula. I've heard they require a lot of care, though, and that's been a deterrent. Andres isn't a big proponent of the idea, and given that we're planning on leaving the country in less than a year, this isn't an ideal time to invest in new pet ventures.

Now, I need input from you, my loyal readers: What is your opinion of the fuzzy arachnid?

Cheers, and Happy Thanksgiving!

A new para started today working with the students at my school. As it turns out, he went to the same elementary, middle, and high schools as I did. He graduated from Palmer in 2000, four years before me. Crazy world.

I signed up for benefits today through the school district. I went to the benefits meeting yesterday to learn what I'm eligible for, and it feels good to have a job where that area is covered. I really am happy in my job. No day is the same, and I'm learning so much just being in a classroom. My student gives me challenges sometimes, but that's what I need.

Andres is great. We have an appointment tomorrow to set a date with the church for next summer. Sometimes we'll just lay awake in the dark and talk to each other, and those are some of the most peaceful moments I've ever had . . . it feels purely good.

Can YOU pass eighth grade science?

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 7/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

So, two weeks ago, Andres officially asked me to marry him outside of the Starbuck's where we had our first date (kind of) in January. Without a moment's hesitation, I said yes, and shortly thereafter both of our families were sending out the news. We're setting the date for summer 2008, and the plan is to go to New Zealand for a year after we're married.

We got the ring last weekend, and unknown to me had made a cat tag that said "Will you marry me?" On Tuesday, he had a friend of ours come into our apartment and put the tag on Boxer while we were out. When we got home, he got down on one knee and showed Boxercat to me . . . again, I said "yes."

For those of you who don't know, we met almost two years ago in a travel agency. I was buying a pass for my study abroad trip to Germany, and he was looking at options for a trip to Europe. We later made the connection at a mutual friend's house, and we were just casual friends until almost a year ago. It just feels right to take this next step, and I want him to be the only one I love for the rest of my life. Andres is so good and loving to me, and I know we'll support and be there for each other. I couldn't be luckier :)

"Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life." - Leo Buscaglia

This weekend was one of the most eventful I've had in a while. On Friday and Saturday, I had a retreat for a class I'm taking at St. Joe's. It's called JustFaith, and it centers primarily around achieving social justice, compassion, and the role of the church. I think that's what has always drawn me to Catholicism (other than the fact that I was raised with it): we're all called to do good, and love.

One of my social work professors said once that we are never to put ourselves above any client, because if our circumstances were just a little different, our roles could be completely reversed. It's so true, isn't it?

On Saturday night, Dre and I went to a masquerade ball. I dressed up as a butterfly, and he was a Black Widow spider. We learned how to waltz, and had lots of cheese and crackers to eat, so it made for a good time.

My birthday present to myself was to see "The Marriage of Bette and Boo" with Dre on Sunday. It was about a family's ups and downs (mostly downs) surrounding alcoholism, kids, marriages and gravy on the rug. Overall, I thought it was well done, and it felt good to see a play again.

So, Dre and I have decided that our destination in nine months is New Zealand. We want to spend up to a year there, working and traveling. We met with a friend of ours last week, and he gave us a lot of good info. We're thinking our "base" would be Christchurch, but that is TBA . . .

I'm in such a different place than I was a year ago, and it's good. I'm happy :)

I'm beginning to realize and accept that a component of my personality is, undeniably, introverted. Be it genes, childhood environment, parenting style, I don't know, but let it be said that I'm one of the quieter ones in any social situation.

I'm writing this because I don't want people to think that if I don't call them a lot to hang out or what not, it's not because I don't like them or don't want to see them. My friends are important to me, and I want to nurture relationships, but, quite simply, I really need to coach myself when it comes to reaching out. It might sound trite, or like a cop out, but that's the best way I can explain it.

Anyway, I had a training yesterday for my job. It was presented by a behavior analyst who has done extensive research about managing problem behaviors in kids with autism and other developmental disabilities. In one of the videos, a kid starts hitting a teacher because she simply turns away from him and goes to pick up something about 6 ft. away. The autistic mind is something that I'm still becoming familiar with, but everything in time. It truly does take skill in working with these kids, much of which you just get from experience, but I feel like I'm learning more and performing better each day.

Today was my first day at my new job, and it went great. I'm working with an autistic student, helping her to manage behaviors and get a grasp on some curriculum. There's still a lot for me to learn, but my first impression is that it's going to be a perfect fit for me.

I'm turning 22 on Wednesday. Allie and I are going home this weekend for my bday . . . and because I think my parents get lonely for us kids when we've been away for more than a few months. Shall be a good visit.

I got a new job!

I'm going to be working for the school district as a para with an autistic student, providing one-on-one support. The teacher and principal seem really supportive and open to questions, so good vibes there. I almost wanted to cry when the principal called and offered me the job, I was so glad. She said that they were impressed by me, so I hope I can live up to their expectations. My last day at Olive Street is tomorrow, and my two weeks is already up at Genoa. I start working with the student on Monday, and I could not be happier. Special ed is where I want to eventually head in my career, so this will be valuable experience.

I need to start working out again. It's been about two months since I wandered from my regular exercise routine, but it would feel good to get back riding the bike/ running. My new work schedule will make it easier to do that, huzzah!

Early Head Start "went with another applicant." I have an interview on Monday for the para job, and I will hopefully have another one soon with Poudre to be a tutor there. The woman in the latter job said she wanted to talk to me about it, so here goes.

If none of these work out, I will be disappointed beyond words. Is there something wrong with me? What makes the people who do get the jobs so much better? I'm smart, I'm skilled, and all I need is a chance to prove it and build on previous experience. What am I doing wrong?

I don't like being treated like an idiot. Sometimes that's the impression I get from people in the jobs I'm in now, and I need a change. You can call me shy, you can call me fat, you can call me ugly, but don't DARE call me stupid, I don't care who you are.

We're officially in the season of autumn, and it makes me so, so happy. I love being in the middle of nature's transition, with colored leaves being scattered by the wind and the morning and night air becoming cooler. It always has seemed romantic to me, perhaps because it's reminiscent of walks in the park you see in movies.

I got a rejection letter from Harmony House two days after I interviewed there. I had an interview on Friday to work with the Early Head Start program through the school district, and I got a call two days before asking if I was interested in a para position in special ed at a junior high. I also submitted an application to be a tutor at Poudre, so now, like so many times before, I'm playing the waiting game.

After Harmony House shot me down, I was having a somewhat bad couple of days. Andres came in to see me at work, and brought me two string cheeses (a favorite of both of us) and a little pumpkin. It's through big and little gestures and words that I know he truly cares about me, and whatever I end up doing in the future, I want him to be a part of it.

I want something different, and of all places, Dre and I are looking into New Zealand. The Peace Corps was something I didn't want bad enough, for a variety of reasons, but this has just really struck a chord with me. I've heard that it's relatively easy to get a work permit in NZ, and we know someone who has spent some time down there who has offered to help us figure things out. Needless to say, it's a process, but so far it seems entirely feasible after saving up some more money and taking care of miscellaneous matters here.

My dad's doing relatively well. He lost his job in July due to the closing of his service center, but he's revamping his resume and looking for a new fit. His surgery went off without a hitch, and he was relieved of the pain almost immediately . . . so all in all, good news.

I had an interview this morning for Harmony House. She started out by telling me about the house, and then asked me one question: "So tell me about yourself." I said that I had just graduated with my BSW, and have been looking to get some experience. I asked her a few questions, she answered them and threw in some additional info, and in 30 minutes the interview was over. It seemed like she already had someone picked out; otherwise, wouldn't she have spent more time with me? Whatever. I've got an interview within the next week with the school district, and I'm turning in an application, resume and cover letter tomorrow for another district job. I need this . . .

I threw Dre a surprise party on Saturday. I'm not the most sly person, but he was still surprised, and everyone seemed to have a good time. About 20 people came, and it was so great to be able to see everyone at once (thanks to you all, by the way). His mom made him a scrapbook with pictures of her pregnant up to his high school graduation; so, so perfect for his 25th. We went out to the bars afterwards, and ended up at the Crown Pub with a few people at the end of the night. We just talked, and that's the kind of bar experience I prefer. Bars have always struck me as so impersonal, and everyone seems so unreal, but it wasn't so much this time. So, all in all, a fun night for all.

Anyway, I'm going to go watch The Office and drink chai.

So I have an interview on Tuesday to be a case manager for Harmony House (http://www.fortnet.org/CASA/about/aboutHarmony.htm). I need a change in the employment sector of my life, and this would be moving in the right direction.

I've also been pursuing a job with the school district; it would be working with families in the Early Head Start program at the building where I interned. I'm already familiar with the center and some of its clients . . . it would be so, so good if I could get hired for the position.

It would be nice to have nights and weekends off, just to spend time with Dre and follow some other interests of mine. I would really like to take a Spanish class, and do some volunteering at some agencies around Fort Collins.

So, Dre and I have a new idea for what may be coming for us next year. It would involve working abroad. We've yet to work out the details, but it seems viable, and this might be the perfect chance to do it.

My aunt sent me an article that she's reading titled "Happiness Revisited." It's about how we create our own happiness through struggling for something we really want, and interpreting and managing our own personal experiences. It's an enlightening article, hence the renaming of my blog.

I've also been listening to more Jack Johnson, and I like what I hear, hence the subtitle.

I'm going home on Friday to see my dad; he's having a surgery to remove a cyst in his cervical spine. Apparently the surgeon has done only one surgery like it in his 25 year career, since the forming of cysts in the neck area is very rare. It seems like a complex surgery, so I will be glad to be home with my Old Man when he gets out of the hospital.

I'm going to fill out a job app for the Poudre School District and turn it in tomorrow . . . hoping something will come of it . . .

My favorite postsecret from this week:


I should have thought of that when I was living with my old roommates.

Wow, it's almost September . . . 2007 is flying by.

I emailed one of my old professors for advice with finding a social work job. He said that he's not at all surprised with my experience here in Fort Collins, and that I should stay networked with people who do have social work positions and the agencies I'm interested in. That's what I'm doing, so I suppose it's just a matter of being persistent.

I emailed my cover letter and resume to this job to be an activist for www.cforse.org, in which I would advocate for the use of biodiesel. That was one area I really had an interest in during my undergrad years, so I was highly interested. They emailed me back, though, and said they want someone more experienced in "canvassing" (this is where you go door to door and try to build interest in the organization). Puhleeeze, it's such a catch 22. I know I'm qualified and that I could do a lot of good things for the organization if given the chance. Whatever.

I was talking to Liesl about UK Pro, where you go and do social work in the UK. I called the recruiter, and she said that most of the people who go over are MSWs. This means that they know more about intake, risk and psychosocial assessments, which is experience I don't have. Ah well, I'm keeping my options open . . .

Finally, there's something I need to get off my chest. If you like your church, then that's fine. However, that does not mean that I have to like your church. That does not mean that you need to try to convince me to come to your church. I'm at a good point with my own religion right now, and I'm moving in a direction where I will be able to do what I feel is right.

That is all.

It's been almost two weeks since I made an entry, which is due mostly to being plain tired. I've been able to organize sleep efficiently as of lately, however, which allows for things like blog posts.

Anyways, I've been working at Genoa and Olive Street for almost a month now. I've been able to get my desired hours without feeling like I'm overextended, so that's fortunate. Like I said before, it's not social work, but it pays the bills. More on the former part in the following paragraphs . . .

Dre had kind of a tough week. On Tuesday, the company he works for let him go. He knew he had made some mistakes there, but he met with his boss and they talked about what he could improve. Nevertheless, four days later, he got the bad news.

Things like that happen, what else can you say? Neither of us are in dire straits financially, so that's good, but your ego undoubtedly takes a hit when someone says they don't want you, whatever the context. He's decided to finish up his Master's this semester, as opposed to spring 2008.

So what does that mean for me? I had told Dre I would wait for him to finish his Master's, which we both thought would happen in May 2008. That was ok with me, because I wanted to get some work experience and save, but the work experience almost feels like a moot point. Finding a job in my field here was like banging my head against a wall.

I've begun to look for Americorps placements that would begin in the start of 2008. I NEED to get out of Colorado, and if it can happen sooner, then all the better. I've been here all my life, and I need to live somewhere different.

I've inquired about a placement in Wheaton, Maryland, and another in Rhode Island. I want to go to the east coast, simply because I've never been there before. Dre is still onboard to come with. So . . . I'm just going to keep my eyes and placement options open. Stay tuned . . . .

In a week, my para job will be over with, which will mean I'll only have two jobs. I'm thinking I'll be taking the 6:30 am- 1:30 pm shift at one of them, and the 1:30-5:00 shift at the other. If all goes as planned, that will happen M-F. I like working hard, so it's a good fit as long as I don't skip out on sleep. Like I've said, my goal is to save money for a year, so there it is.

I went to New Belgium yesterday with one of my friends for the free beer tasting that they do, and it was great. The atmosphere's chill, the staff is friendly, and the beer is good (and free). I would highly recommend going, and patronizing New Belgium.

Dre and I adopted another kitty so that Miha would have a friend. He's a four month old black and white kitty who we named Boxer (he looked like a boxer dodging Dre's finger when he stuck it in his cage). It's so great to have animals again; Miha's laying next to my computer asleep right now, letting out a little cat/bird noise whenever I stroke her side, and Boxer's right behind me in a chair. They'll follow me everywhere, and they're always up with me at dawn when I get up for work.

Another work week is here, so sleep is in order. This is my favorite postsecret from this week:

Tonight Andres and I are going to the King Soopers down the road for the release of the new Harry Potter book. I've never been able to get into the HP books, but I'm thinking it will still be a trip to go tonight.

I got a second job at a downtown bakery, and I'll work there for probably about three hours a day after my shift at the coffee place. For a while I felt bad and discouraged that I'm not using my social work degree, but oddly, I'm content with how things have worked out. I did everything I could to secure a job in the field, but it didn't come together, which for right now I'm alright with. My job now is fun, low pressure, and I know exactly what is expected of me. I figure that since I graduated in three years, it's alright that I'm taking this fourth year to do something comfy. I know that by next May (or sooner, who knows?), I'll be ready to move onto something more demanding.

My life is surprisingly simple right now. I know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, and I have a plan mapped out for the next few years. Not to mention, I'm with a man who makes me happy in every way. I never used to know what I was going to do after college, if anyone would hire me, what I would go to grad school for, if I'd have enough money, what was going to happen with my Uncle John, if I could forgive myself for screwing up.

Moral of the story? Life goes on.

True to form, this is my favorite postsecret from this week:



The first night I was at CSU, I went out with a few people from my floor to the student center for whatever was going on there. I somehow got separated from the group, and the insecurity that was so great in me at that time told me that they did it on purpose. I went back to my room and bawled, oh geez.

That was three years ago. Thankfully, we all grow up.

Triskaidekaphobia

Triskaidekaphobia \tris-ky-dek-uh-FOH-bee-uh\, noun: A morbid fear of the number 13 or the date Friday the 13th.

I went and played softball yesterday with a team some friends started with the city rec department. I found out that I can actually hit a softball pretty far. If only the guys who picked me last for teams every time in ninth grade could see me now!

Last week I went to the food bank and other non profits to ask if they had any open job positions. At the former, there were two women working there who asked what my field was. I said that I just graduated with an undergrad social work degree, and one of the women scoffs and says, "Get another degree, girl! That's what my degree is, and look where it got me!" She went on to say that although there's a need for social workers, the market's just too saturated here. Damn, I should have been an engineer.

You know what they say: when the going gets tough, the tough get going. On a whim I went into a little coffee and wine shop, and lo and behold, the owner's there. Apparently the girl who opens every morning is going back to Texas, and she needs someone to fill her place. "This might just work out for us," she tells me. I go in to train on Saturday.

No, it ain't social work, but I need to start saving money. I've been looking for a job for too long without any reward. I've mentioned to some people that I'm leaving Colorado in a year; I just want to have some cash on hand first. My plan is to secure an Americorps placement; for those of you who don't know, Americorps is like Peace Corps in the States.

I've always wanted to live by water. I'm looking at assignments and placements on the east coast.

My mother isn't supportive of me leaving. There are probably a list of reasons, but I feel like I need to embark. Liesl said the other day, "I don't want to grow roots in Colorado, you know?" I suppose that's how I feel.

I want to go to grad school for special ed. Americorps would help me out with that.

Dre would come with me. He understands my wanting to go, and we would do it together.

So, there you go.

The fourth of July was yesterday, and Dre's mom was able to come up for the day. We brought some sandwiches up to the Poudre Canyon, and spent some time driving around the Red Feather Lakes area. I never realized that all of this was just in our backyard . . .

There were multitudes of people in the Poudre river who were tubing, and it looked sooo fun. Sooo . . . I want to get some people together for the weekend after this one to go. I think we can rent the big black tubes from area businesses, like rafting companies and the like. Stay tuned . . .

So the laundry room of my house flooded. Dre and I went over about an hour ago, prompted by a phone call from my roommate, and we were greeted by about an inch of water on the laundry room floor. Water was spraying out of a pipe by the door, and the ceiling outside was dripping and looked like it could be prone to collapsing. All we can do now is wait for the owners of the property to follow up.

Exactly a year ago I was in Germany. I left on the 1st of June. A lot happens in a year, yes?

I went to pick up the cat today, and somehow I pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve or something of the sort on the right side of my back, right above my butt . . . ouch.

What else . . . I don't plan on working at Foothills. I knew in my gut that residential wasn't for me, so I tried to secure a position in the day program. They called me last week, and told me that they decided to go with another applicant. I think my chances were hurt by the fact that I have my para job in the morning. Everything happens for a reason, no?

I have an interview tomorrow to be a volunteer coordinator for a local non profit, and there's an opening for an ASP para at Rocky on the district website. The latter is what I'm doing now. Something will come through . . .

I love it when you discover something, love it, don't listen to it for a while, then listen to it, and then fall in love with it all over again. So it is for me and Sufjan Stevens.

This past week hasn't been one free of stress. The car, the job, and a gamut of other situations have all come together to form a nice triad, but things work out.

On a better note, I really like the work I'm doing as a para. I'm finding so much satisfaction in the special ed realm, and the part of me that wanted to go to UNC to study it four years ago is coming alive again. For whatever reason, I took a different path, but that's another post for another day.

Brewfest was this weekend, and although I had plans to go with Dre and some other people, I don't feel all that disappointed that I ended up not making it.

Lots of alcohol doesn't do it for me. I can't say that it ever has.

Releasing inner pain is easier (and better) for me without it, and I've found someone who will take my face in his hands and walk me through. The security and comfort that a clear head brings means more to me than anything.

I want to say something else in this post, but I don't have the right words in my head now.

This is my favorite postsecret from this week:

So I've been working to transition my area of focus at Foothills. As opposed to working in residential, I think I would be more effective in the day program. It looks like I'll be able to make the switch, so that takes a load off my brain.

Andres went to Taos for a company "round up" this past week, and he just came back yesterday. 'Tis fabulous to have him back :)

Hmm, life just keeps rolling along. I start my para job in a week, which will hopefully be coupled by a start in the day program. Andres' mom bought me a coffee/espresso maker for graduation, and I'm going to figure it out tonight . . . yesssss.

True enough.

Dre and I went and adopted a black female one year old short hair kitty from the pound last week, with the help of one of our friends. We decided on the name "Miha," derived from the Spanish "Mijita," which means little daughter. Having a "daughter" will undoubtedly entitle us to getting a lot of crap, but the kitty's small and cute and precious and unconditionally loving, so I guess the name fits.

She was the one in the room of adoptable kitties who didn't meow non stop at us. She would put her paw out of her cage, as if to shake our hands; juxtapose that with the cat above her that scratched me in one quick swoop with what I perceived to be malicious intent. We took her into the play area, and she would come to us when we called her. It's fair to say that she will be spoiled into oblivion.


I fell asleep in the chair, and she came and jumped on my chest and also went to sleep on the first night we had her.

We're treating her for an eye infection right now, which she picked up somewhere along the way in the pound.

Andres bonding with the kitty.

A year ago at this time, I was getting ready to go to Germany on July 1st. Crazy how fast a year goes by.

I was switched to an adaptive skills program for my para job, as opposed to working with kids with severe autism. I'll be at the secondary level as well, so I didn't mind the change.

I'm mostly moved into my house. I've yet to spend a lot of time there, but that will probably change soon.

Andres and I have been keeping each other in check in terms of working out, and that's a good feeling too. He makes me so happy in so many ways.

I'd like to do another century at some point before May 2008, it's just a matter of finding time and an extra $50-100 dollars lying around.

Hmm, this is a very short post.

My dad and I did a 100 mile bike ride this past weekend in Buena Vista (http://www.bvbf.org). We did a 65 miler two years ago, and what did me in then was being sunburned all over; this time, that wasn't a problem, so I was able to finish the whole thing.

The scenery was amazing. The route went around Turquoise Lake and through the San Isabel National Forest. I like bike centuries; it gives me incentive to stay in shape, and they're fun.

A pic of me and my pa:

http://www.printroom.com/ViewGalleryPhoto.asp?shopperid=PVEBE8861A729L8SDMG9VG03QFH3D1S0&userid=naggan&tcount=156&scount=81&gallery_id=692524&image_id=80

I had a para orientation yesterday, and I'm going to be working with the kids with severe autism, grades 1-8. Apparently they are all low functioning and don't communicate by speaking, although one of the boys has a device he uses. Occasionally some of them bite, hit, and kick, but that comes with the territory. The two women I'll be working with are certified in restraints, so I'll find out how those are used.

One thing I'm learning [that I already knew] is that I'm not going to get rich in this [or my other] job. It's something I don't have the easiest time accepting, but I chose my path.

I graduated yesterday, after three years which went oh so fast.

There were two ceremonies: one in the early afternoon for just the social work department, and another in the evening for the entire College of Applied Human Sciences. My dear friend Ray from Colorado Springs was able to drive up, and Andres, my parents, uncle and sister were all there. It was fabulous to have them . . . I am truly lucky.

It made it feel official, and oddly I didn't mind sitting through the longer ceremony. I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while, and found out what they're doing in the immediate future, so that was good.

I went to a BBQ at the house I'll be living at for two months with my friend Liesl. It's an older house near Old Town, and it's got plenty of charm. I'm moving in about a week, and that prospect is exciting.

Andres' mom bought me an espresso/ coffee maker, and you had better believe that it will get plenty of use. Ray also brought me up a travel book, with a page for almost every country in the world. Travel + coffee = goodness.

I have a para orientation on Monday, and I'm going to keep an eye out for fellowships and what not around the country. A year goes pretty fast . . .

I've been able to line up two jobs.

For four weeks I'll be a para for kids with moderate needs in the district's extended school year program, and for the other one I'll be supporting adults with developmental disabilities. I never had a firm plan to work with people in this population, but I feel confident when I walk through the facility and see some of the clients. I think I can do a good job and enjoy my work at the same time; needless to say, that makes me happy.

Graduation on Friday, woot!

Somehow I managed to get a nasty case of pink eye in both of my eyes . . . stay away!

I did the Relay for Life this weekend. I think there could have been more done to memorialize people who've passed, as this was the reason I signed up in the first place; there was a walk around the track for this, but people were prone to messing around and talking about nonsense, so it kind of took away from the effect. Whatevah, I did it and took away what I could from it.

In two weeks, I'll be graduated! I start job training tomorrow. I've got a training the night before my 100 mile bike ride, but I've trained too hard to bail out now.

Dre and I went to see "33 Swoons" on Friday. I should read more Checkhov . . .

My uncle died in December 2006 of prostate cancer, and my grandma showed signs of breast cancer when she passed in March 2006. On April 28th, I'm doing an all night relay for the American Cancer Society at the rec center . . . I think it will be a good release.

Life right now is nothing short of great . . . I'm starting a job soon, in which I'll support people with developmental disabilities, Andres is amazing, I'm graduating, and I just feel . . . lucky to be where I am.

So another woman has begun to complain about the "jokes" and comments against women that a particular pal of my roommates makes. Go figure. Maybe they'll come to the conclusion that I'm not just a bitch out to nitpick, and what he says is actually rude sometimes?

I'm out of here in less than a month. It hasn't been the easiest of living situations, so I don't think I'll shed any tears. I've washed my hands clean of all the ridiculousness and drama. I'll just take my personal lessons about power dynamics and the value of emotional intelligence, and call it a day.

We're playing basketball with the Germans again today. Andres and I went to Red Lobster yesterday and indulged our cravings . . . ahhh, yes.

Max Ehrmann - "Desiderata"

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

I only have one big project this whole semester, which is due tomorrow, and I save it for right now. Furthermore, I am taking a brief hiatus by writing this and letting the thoughts flow and goofing around with different color schemes. It don't make no sense.

No doubt you've heard about the shootings at Virginia Tech; my heart goes out to the victims and their families. I can't imagine being in that situation; we had a practice lockdown at my school today, and even though it wasn't for real, you could feel the tension in the room. I can't imagine what that would feel like in reality, and it breaks my heart in a million ways to think that for some people, it hasn't been just a drill.

I think we can expect there to be talk about gun accessibility and control at some point in the near future. Putting that aside for a moment, I can't help but think about what was beneath the surface of the shooter, identified as student Cho Seung-Hui. A professor and classmate recall that he had a lot of anger, and his writings for a class were "very graphic" and "extremely disturbing" (http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/18/vtech.shooting/index.html).

I don't want to exhaust the subject, but where did this anger come from? What were his reasons for writing plays filled with violence? When did shooting a classroom of students become a solution? When bad things happen, I can't help but ask "why, why, why."

We might never have answers, but I think it's important to consider how we treat each other and treat ourselves. Anger comes from a lot of experiences, be it alienation, humiliation, or a gamut of other happenings.

In any case, I need to get back to work. I just had to get that out.

So one of my friends lives in an apartment neighbored by four German guys. We hung out with them last night, and I've got to say, I think it might seriously help me improve my German if I talk with native speakers now and then. We're going to play basketball with them on Sunday . . . come along if you feel like it.

I've got the 100 mile bike ride in Buena Vista coming up in about a month, on May 19th. My dad and I are doing it together, so I've been trying to work out enough to prepare. He rides our stationary bike at home for 99 minutes everyday, he told me. He is a man consumed, but it's a good example for me to follow.


I ordered graduation announcements. I looked it up, and I think I should be magna cum laude, as my GPA is listed at 3.778. The letter said cum laude, though . . . I guess it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

1. 5 everyday favorites
2. 4 mood-lifters
3. 3 reasons to get out of bed
4. 2 people you love
5. 1 thing you love about yourself

1. Feeling like I'm learning and maturing at my internship, spending time with Andres, five more minutes in bed in the morning, peanut butter on toast, working out

2. Exercise, chocolate, pouring my heart out, trust

3. My internship starts at 8:00 am, I'm one day closer to graduating, and every day brings some new thing to keep me interested

4. My mom and dad have given me the world

5. I work very hard at keeping an open mind and learning all that I can.

"The End of Suburbia" is going to be playing on Sunday in the LSC theater for $5:

http://baltimorechronicle.com/080304ThomasWheeler.shtml

By the end of the year, my roommates and I might have an actual, full conversation; however, I might be "nosy" again if I initiate anything resembling care for how their lives are going, so I'm not going to hold my breath. They save any tiny bit of conversation for the secondary alpha males who come over, as I am not able to attain their supreme level of sophistication and intelligence. Oh well, I chose my path.

I graduate a month from tomorrow, and the name of the game thereafter is going to be getting experience and creating a cache of cash. I'm going to a teacher job fair today in about 20 minutes, and I should get word on a job in the next week.

The times they are a-changin'

From the BBC:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6524251.stm

And Bush's actions are "sufficient?"

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/04/washington/04climate.html?ref=us

My goal is to own one of these (or something similar) in the next 1.5 years:

http://world.honda.com/news/1999/4990906c.html

If I work my ass off, I might be able to afford one within the next year (I know Sven isn't going to last forever). I think there's a tax credit for these vehicles too. In any case, the next car I spend money on will be something technologically innovative.

Andres is back from Texas! and it makes me sooo happy.

I found out that I'm graduating cum laude, which isn't summa cum laude, but I can deal.

Interning is going well. I signed a lease for a one bedroom apartment, and I'm interviewing for a PT (with FT possibilities) job tomorrow. The money I save before my lease starts in June I'm going to put towards furniture, etc.

I went home for my sister's 19th birthday this past weekend. I bought her Amazing Grace by Jonathan Kozol. The good thing about buying books for relatives is that you get to read them when they're finished.

I'm feeling really good about my future plans right now. I like the idea of just taking it all in for a while.

I forgot to mention that I'll be staying in the Fort for the summer, and most likely after that, working and the like. I've been thinking of taking a Spanish class at Front Range . . . it's something I'd like to (and should) know.

I'm at my apartment now, and the internet is working. I also got a sweet pair of Rio Birkenstocks for $44, $66 off their regular price, ganz toll!

I got this email the other day from another fellowship in Miami:

Each year, 50 new Miami Teaching Fellows participate in a rigorous five-week summer training Institute, and enter their classrooms in high need schools across Miami-Dade County prepared and dedicated to impact the lives of their students. This is your opportunity to apply to this highly-selective teacher training program -- specifically designed to increase the academic achievement of students in Miami-Dade County Public Schools.

50? I'm assuming that's how many they were looking at hiring for Philly too, which had 1,200 applicants. I really don't think it's worth my time scouting these things out across the country.

If I was to do Peace Corps, I would have to wait for a while. The timing on this thing isn't what I expected two months ago. Is it what I really need and want for both personal and professional development?

My plan is this: I'm graduating in three years. I'm going to take a fourth year to work, get out on my own, save some money, figure out where I'm going in this life. It's not the most exotic agenda, but I think it's wise. There's a lot I need to consider.

I'm going to live in an apartment next year, ALONE. I've had enough roommate drama to last me a lifetime. I'll work as much as is necessary to afford it, although I don't expect that to be a problem. Besides, I think I'll like living on my own: I can clean up my own messes, turn off my own lights, put the Hambone wherever I want, leave my coat on the kitchen chairs without someone intentionally throwing it on the ground because they don't want it there.

I had to learn the hard way about how disrespectful people can be, and I have absolutely no desire to risk putting myself in another bad situation where I'm bound to deal with the bullshit of people I hardly know all that well. So, there's that.

Andres is in Texas right now, his favorite place to be in the ENTIRE world (he'll wince when he reads that). I'm more than looking forward to our reunion on Sunday!

The internet at my apartment hasn't been working for the past two days. I'm at the library now. My internet has never been fully functional, and it is a paaaaaaaaaaiiiin.

I'm going home this weekend for my sister's 19th birthday. Fun shall be had with the animals and whatever miscellaneous events are going on in the house.

Enlightenment

India Arie- Slow Down

So far from where I started out
So far from where I wanna be
Listening for answers in the wind
But can’t find a rock to plant my feet
Looking for love in all the wrong places
Down on my knees and now I’m praying for patience
I know there’s gotta be a better way
In the back of my mind I hear my momma say

Slow down, baby you’re going too fast
You got you hands in the air
With you feet on the gas
You’re ’bout to wreck your future
Running from your past
You need to slow down before
You go down baby

Thinking the faster that I go
The faster (that) I will reach my goal
The race is not given to the swift
But to the one who endureth
I thought that all my obstacles were behind me
Walking around like I’m made out of diamond
I tripped and fell and it reminded me
Move over and let my angels guide me

Slow down, baby you’re going too fast
You got you hands in the air
With you feet on the gas
You’re ’bout to wreck your future
Running from your past
You need to slow down before
You go down baby

Sometimes you gotta be still
Before you can get ahead
Be still
Ask the universe for help
Be real
You can’t do it all by yourself
Ah, no no
Sometimes, sometimes you gotta be still
It take some time to reach you and they
Be still
Take some time to clear your space
Be real
Chaos isn’t good for your health
Ah, no no, ahhh
Cuz I’m breaking things and losing things
I lost my cell phone again the other day
Now, I don’t wanna live this way, no
In the back of my mind I hear my mama say

Slow down, baby you’re going too fast
You got you hands in the air
With you feet on the gas
You’re ’bout to wreck your future
Running from your past
You need to slow down before
You go down baby
(slow down baby)
Slow down (baby)
You’re going too fast
Slow down (baby)
Feet on the gas
Slow down (baby)
Run from your past
Slow down baby (4x)

There's an interview for another fellowship in California on 4/22.

I don't feel like chasing this anymore, though. How many $500 plane tickets and $210 motel bills will I have to drop before one actually comes through?

1,200 applicants. Another candidate told me at the interview day that they were hiring about 70 new teachers for this fall.

I know what I want to do, it's just a matter of finding another way to pursue it now.

Things happen for a reason. Cliche, yes, but I think that's true.

The verdict is in.

Thank you for interviewing with the School District of Philadelphia through the Philadelphia Teaching Fellows. We greatly appreciate the time and energy you devoted to this effort. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you a position.

As you may know, we have received nearly 1,200 applications for the positions available, making the applicant pool for the Teaching Fellows extremely competitive.
Due to the size of our program, we regret that we are not able to offer individualized feedback on our selection decisions or re-evaluate individual applications.

An official letter will also be mailed to the address you provided on your application.
We wish you the best in your future endeavors.

- The Philadelphia Teaching Fellows Staff

Backup plan: Following the special education/ teacher route via alternative means.

I almost transferred to Greeley after my freshman year at CSU to do the former. My internship has made me realize this is the path I want to take in my career.

Still no word from PTF. I've been logging onto the status page more than I should, for the sake of my own sanity.

I applied to the Mississippi Teacher Corps also, and received this email from them today:

Thank you for your application to the Mississippi Teacher Corps and for your patience in waiting to hear from us. We regret that MTC is unable to offer you a position for this year.

MTC selects less than 3% of all applicants. The vast majority of these applicants would have been great assets to our state's teaching force. Therefore, MTC hopes that the size limitations of this year's program will not discourage applicants who may still be interested in teaching in Mississippi.

Sometimes, I wish I had an extra year to get this all in order. Coming to college with credits from high school saved me money and all, but you know . . .

This is what I'm applying for: http://www.philadelphiateachingfellows.org/

I've been in Philadelphia since yesterday. I found where my interview is going to be, and I've done all I can think of to prepare.

I will kind of feel like I've failed if I don't get accepted. I really think I could do a good job as a teacher, even in a high need school, especially with a mentor and training. From what I've seen so far, I would like living in this city.

Acceptance letters are mailed March 22. Please . . .

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/6444145.stm

In other news:

Spring break is on until 3/18, both for PTC and CSU. I'm in the Springs now, and have routine doctor's and dentist's appointments lined up for the next few days, good times!

I've been working out as much as I can on the bike, since I don't want to hurt my knee any further. The 100 mile ride is May 19, almost two months away . . .

I graduate May 11. In some ways, I'm wishing I had a little more time to figure out what I want to do with myself, but I'm working with what I've got.

I'm going to see some laaadies from the Fort on Wednesday, and Andres is bringing much happiness into my life. Huzzah!

The bittersweet part of the week is that it's been a year since my grandma died (3/9). Also, my uncle would be 58 today (3/13). It's hard not to think about what we would be doing if they were still here.

In keeping my options open, I've been applying for some teaching fellowships across the country.

I have an interview for one of them in Philadelphia during spring break: http://www.philadelphiateachingfellows.org/

My tentative assignment is special education.

I'm going to see how this interview goes, and then perhaps seek other opportunities if it doesn't seem like it will come through.

I have a friend, who I've known since freshman year, who is upset because "I never hang out anymore." He told me that he doesn't care what I do because he probably won't see me much after I graduate anyway. Ouch.

If any of my other friends feel that I've been neglecting them, I apologize. In between arranging things for after I graduate, going home to see my family from out of town, and the usual, it's been a big past month.

Two days ago I went running, and then went and shot baskets with Andres. I jumped to throw the ball back at him, and I felt something in my knee come readjusted near the front. I had no idea what it was, and after about a day it cleared up.

I tried to run yesterday, and didn't make it around the track once. It felt like something in my knee readjusted itself again, near the front. I tried to ride a stationary bike, but that didn't feel too pleasant. I walked on the treadmill and that probably wasn't a good idea. It hurt for almost half the night.

Last March, I had issues with the OTHER knee. Has this ever happened to anyone else? If so, what could it be?

I called the Peace Corps recruiter in Denver on Tuesday, as I was supposed to call him if I hadn't heard from him by 2/26. He told me the following:

- There aren't a lot of community development projects for the summer. There's one in Central Asia that departs in August. Community development is one of the harder programs, as it's very unstructured.

- There aren't any youth development programs before February 2008.

- Even the most basic teaching positions require experience. There are some programs in the mid to late summer, but he would recommend I start volunteering 10-15 hours/ week in a teaching position.

I'm in limbo with it now. Andres and I went to the PC open house in Denver yesterday, and it would definitely be quite the experience, but I'm still deciding.

I wish I would have caught the Teach for America deadline. I've found some teaching fellowships online, and I'm going to apply for those. My internship supervisor also said he'd send some more teacher job info my way. Apparently Montana has a lot of openings, given the teacher shortage.

The short version of the story is that I just don't know.

The long version is that a paraprofessional at my school told me about www.teachforamerica.org, in which recent college grads (you don't need any educational background) commit two years of their lives to teaching in underachieving parts of the country. "To keep your options open, you know?" she said.

I checked it out, just out of curiosity. I looked at the website on February 23, and the deadline to apply was February 18. The next deadline is September 30.

I've felt so committed to this Peace Corps idea, but I feel more connected to the above. I've found some similar programs, just to explore some options, and they're appealing.

The last month and a half at the PTC has been enlightening to me in so many ways, and it's all happening at lightning speed.

I've decided that if I was going to go to grad school right now, at this moment, I don't think I would go for social work. I just don't see myself doing it when I look ahead five years.

I wonder if I got a flat tire last month for a reason. If I hadn't gotten a flat tire, I wouldn't have needed the help from the teacher I work with, and we probably never would have had the conversation in her car about the possibility of getting a graduate degree in special ed.

About a month and a half ago, I spewed a fountain of bitterness and cynicism on here about relationships. A wise friend of mine commented that you can't control your feelings, but I was still headstrong. It's hard to imagine yourself opening your heart up again after you've been burned, and I wanted to feel like I was doing something to protect myself from that.

For some reason, I'm not so scared anymore. I've known Andres for close to a year now. I see more of who he is everyday, and that makes me happy.

My mom sent me something the other day that a friend of hers gave her:

1) When making a decision, your options are always limited.
2) You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time.
3) If I had made a different decision, I would keep second guessing it too.

She sent it to me in response to my handling of the roommate issues.

Gah!

I decided to take a nap at 4:00 pm yesterday, set my alarm for 9:00 pm (expecting to do something other than sleep), blew off the alarm, and just woke up now, at 11:30 am. Not sleeping throughout the week really takes it out of me . . .

I must go and work out now, and go for groceries . . .

Thus far, two things have happened today:

1. I had a Peace Corps interview, and I got some major news. Things are going to start moving fast from this point onward. More details to come . . .

2. I signed up for a 100 mile bike ride in Buena Vista on May 19th (http://www.bvbf.org/). I'm going to do it with my dad; we did a 65 miler about two years ago, so this is the next step. New Belgium is going to supply beer (ala Fat Tire) to the riders afterwards . . . mmm.

I only ran 2.2 miles last night, in preparation for running 5 miles tonight. Mmm . . .

I dropped my substance abuse class. I don't need it to graduate, and was only taking it because I could. I'm just not all that focused on being in the classroom right now after getting a taste of what's outside . . .

The internship is teaching me things covertly. I'm absorbing like a sponge . . .

On a scale from 1-10, with one being terrible and ten being amazing, please rate your past week.

Internship: 9

Commitment to and satisfaction with running: 8.5

Personal life: 9

Quantity of sleep: 6

Quality of sleep: 9

Social life/ friend relationships: 8.5

Outlook on the future: 8.5

Are there any other comments or suggestions you would like to add?

The roommate situation has improved, I'm learning more about trust, and I get to go home/ see my dog/ see my relatives from WI in two weeks.

I set up an interview with the Peace Corps recruiter. It's a week from today, at 9:00 am.

Life is good now, and there's not a lot I would change. I think that my wanting to be shipped halfway across the world stems a lot from a motivation for personal and professional growth.

I took a lenghty nap, and I feel like a new person. The stomach flu is going around, and for a bit I felt like I was becoming one of its victims, but I think it was a false alarm. Hurrah!

So, roommate relations are still . . . strained. We say "hi" and "bye."

You know, it's not even the stupid magazine I'm upset about. It's what the magazine perpetuates, and the other way around. I don't think they'll be grasping that concept anytime soon, though.

No matter how clearly or eloquently I try to tell them, they're just not going to get it. I asked one of them if he could possibly think of any reason why I wouldn't want the magazine out, and he responded with a flat out "No." Their friend instant messaged me and said I need to get "an open mind" about the magazine. "It has a lot of good articles," he said. Oh puhleeeeeze, you don't even know the half of it.

It's the good ol' boy network, and all it comes down to is a power struggle. They've all know each other since high school, and that's not going to change. They're not going to take what I feel into consideration. I've begun to think of them as the Axis Powers . . . kind of.

I've lost a lot of respect for them, and am truly disappointed. I really expected more from them. I feel like there's a wall between me and them, and I can't see it being broken down anytime soon, even if the magazines disappear completely.

BUT, enough about that.

Sometimes, I wonder what my uncle would say about things.

My current roommate issues, applying for the Peace Corps, my shortcomings. I try to imagine what he would tell me.

I think I know, but it would have been nice to hear him say it.

If it had just been a Playboy on the table, I probably would have been able to handle that. I don't think that people who read it are "bad," or that it's "bad." That's an entirely different discussion that I'm sure I'll get to at some point on here.

Back in September/ October, I put up three pictures of Australian Cattle Dogs from a calendar in the common area. My roommates said that if I could have my dogs, they could put up their pictures of Maxim women and whatever else they wanted around the common area. I said that I would take down my dogs if they took down their Maxim pictures. Having those pictures of women around made me uneasy, for whatever reason. That's just how I felt, I can't change how I feel about things or my past experiences that cause me to form opinions and beliefs.

From that point on, sexist and racial comments became more commonplace. Anything I said to address it was taken as me having my underwear on too tight and sticking to my principles like a prude. That's how it felt, because things took a long time to change. It's like they just couldn't understand my perspective, no matter how well I could manage to say it, and "majority ruled." Three against one. They win.

They went to Vegas over winter break, and brought back the cards that people hand out on the street corners. They put up some of the raunchiest ones around the apartment, even though I said I didn't want to have to look at those things when I got up to go to my internship in the morning.

So, my point is, this has been building for a long time. I feel like they JUST DON'T GET IT. What do I have to do to get something through their heads? Tear up one of the girly magazines and throw it in the dumpster?

Because that's what I did.

My coffee grinder now has some white powdery stuff in it, and one of their friends (who has a penchant for spite) wrote out three post it notes worth of "How to do cocaine," addressed to me. He's a class act, that one.

See comment #3 on a post on this blog from October 23, 2006.

So, maybe being the one girl living with three guys wasn't the brightest idea in the world.

Respect has been lacking. For this arrangement to have worked out, respect would have to have been paramount. It wasn't. I assumed that it would be when I signed the contract a year ago, but that hasn't played out. Live and learn . . .

I have my reasons for not wanting a Playboy in the common area, for not wanting to be told to "get back in the kitchen," for not wanting to be told to make them dinner, for not wanting to hear racial slurs . . . among other things. Sure, it might be all in fun, but I get to see the ugly side of this "fun."

This has been an issue for the past 6 months. I'm probably being labeled a giant irrational illogical bitch right now by my roommates and their counterparts, but I won't waver in what I feel and believe in.

I'm realizing that I'm going to have to make some big decisions about where I want to go in life soon.

I mailed in two sheets of fingerprints and a transcript to the Denver Peace Corps office yesterday. I should be hearing from a recruiter soon.

I'm realizing that to be "good" in my field, it's simply going to take practice and experience. Whether it be with running groups or counseling individuals, I just need the practical opportunities and some supervision. Social work is one of those things that is hard to learn from books and lectures. I think I try hard to not make mistakes, which sometimes means holding back, but I'm making progress.

It's bound to melt your heart
One way or another
It's bound to melt your heart
For good or for bad
It's like a valentine
From your mother
It's bound to melt your heart

And we've lost the people we could have loved, and you...
What you know you have or what you think you aren't
It's never perfect


- "Melt Your Heart," Jenny Lewis

Whoa, it's almost February. February, March, April, then I graduate.

My Peace Corps application is being reviewed in Denver now, and I should be hearing from a recruiter in the next two to three weeks. I can't believe the process is beginning . . .

I came home this weekend for an appointment, and to change the oil on my car. My grandma in WI and my aunt will be coming to visit us during the last week of February, which I'm looking forward to.

Overall, things are going well. I keep a picture of my uncle next to my computer, and from time to time it's hard to believe that he's not here anymore. But, life goes on.

Whoa. Sometimes life makes up for the really crappy times by giving you a really really good time. I'm happy with the way things are going now.

I'm worried about my internship, though. I feel like I'm not using my social work skills, but perhaps that comes with time (I've only been there a week). I hope to maybe lead some groups and meet with individuals, but the opportunity hasn't arisen. I'm meeting with a mentor soon, hopefully that will help . . .

There's this site called www.archiemcphee.com. I found an Avenging Norwahl playset (http://www.mcphee.com/items/11689.html) on there. I couldn't stop laughing whenever I would look at it; maybe it's the name?

I bought Rilo Kiley's "Takeoffs and Landings" yesterday on itunes.

If you want to find yourself by travelling out west
Or if you want to find somebody else that's better
Go ahead
Go ahead

If you want to buy a brand new fancy automobile
Or if you want to build a place up in Coldwater Canyon
Go ahead
Go ahead
Go ahead
I wish you would
Go ahead

If you want to hold your own hand going up that cliff
Or if you want to just hold back cause you ain't up to it
Go ahead
Go ahead
Go ahead
Be my guest
Go ahead

If you want to hold on to the first girl that you meet
Or if you want to settle down and plant roses at my feet
Go ahead
Go ahead
Go ahead
I wish you would
Go ahead

If you want to have your cake and eat it too
And if you want to have other people watch you while you eat it
Go ahead
Go ahead
Go ahead
Be my guest
Go ahead

If you want better things
I want you to have them
If you want better things
Then I want you to have them
Go ahead
Go ahead
Go ahead
I wish you would
Go ahead
Go ahead
I wish you would
Go ahead

So . . .

I never said that dating was out of the question.

There's a lot of space between dating and going further, and I'm going to take it slow with the former for now.

I ran 11.5 miles this week. I'm going to increase my weekly mileage by 11% each week, so next week I'll have to do a total of 12.77 miles. That equates to about 3.2 miles a day, 4x a week. It's a start . . .

In high school, I thought about entering a Special Education teaching program when I reached college. I eventually abandoned the idea for German, thinking that I would teach that.

I feel like I'm in my element when I'm in the classroom, especially with the students that I'm with now. One of the teachers at my internship got her Master's Degree in Special Education, although her undergraduate degree isn't in education or anything related to it. She made a comment that what she and the other teachers do is, essentially, its own form of social work. That five minute conversation has brought me to rethink my drive for the MSW.

Sometimes you come across a song that you think was written for your life.

Take "Crown of Love," by the Arcade Fire.

In my heart there’s flowers growin’
on the grave of our old love,
since you gave me a straight answer.

Mmm.

A story

At 7:45 am today, I noticed by car was driving strange as I got about four blocks away from my apartment, but my mind was more focused on my internship. At a stoplight, a woman honked her horn and told me my left tire was flat. I pulled off the road, and put on the spare. I drove another half a block and it still wasn't driving right, so I looked out my window and the SPARE was flat. I ended up walking to where I intern, and one of the teachers volunteered to take me after lunch to try and pump it up with a portable air compressor she has. It wasn't helping, so she called her husband, who promptly came. He spent about an hour and a half with me, and we ended up at a gas station where we bought some temporary puncture plugger-goo. That finally sealed up the spare, so I drove to a tire place, was told that they didn't have a replacement tire (I needed a new tire because I drove on the old one when it was flat), and went to Discount Tire. Apparently Sven is a rare size of tire, and the guy at DT called the other city DT store and found the only tire in Sven's size available in the whole STATE.

I had a coupon for a free Chipotle so I went and used it. The end.

I started my internship, and I officially have put in six hours. As far as I can tell, I think it's going to be an excellent fit for me. I've always been attracted to the teaching arena, so I'm getting good vibes. I'll become gradually more immersed in the lives of the students as time goes on and their trust in me builds, I hope.

I come home, finish up my work, eat spinach, run, sleep, see the friends and family who I love. I like this, living for myself, doing my own thing, when I want. I don't miss the companionship that came with a significant other anymore. It's going to stay that way. I'm up for dating, but I'm still going to need my space.

I got an email today from the Peace Corps. If you apply before January 20th, you will have the chance to leave whenever you desire in 2007. My application is finished, sans recommendations from a few people, but I take that email as a good omen.

Best feeling in the world, #1: Slipping under a heated electric blanket during winter.

Enlightenment came to me last night in one of the unlikeliest of places: a Liz Phair song on the radio.

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too . . .

I concur. At some point in the future, there will be another chance.

I start my internship on Tuesday . . . Aiiiiiiiiiii!

In the lull that is the week before the semester begins, I find myself doing things such as the following to pass the time:

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before? Leave the country, and buy alcohol legally . . .

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't think I made any last year . . .

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes

5. What countries did you visit? Switzerland, Germany, United Kingdom (does Heathrow count?)

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? A better German vocabulary . . . and my BSW, suckas!

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? No comment

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Making it through SW286 and six weeks speaking German

9. What was your biggest failure? Being naive

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Two ear infections at once, and then there was that one time when the dog bit my nose . . . ouch.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A fantastic book on European history that was only 10 Euros

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My uncle; I want to live like he did.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? qw4o9u50ae \thrplk oin b

14. Where did most of your money go? The tuition monster

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 1) Germany! 2) Love

16. What song will always remind you of 2006? The World Cup theme song, "Love Generation." I never want to hear that damn song again!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? A tad bit more melancholy, but also more hopeful . . .

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Self reflection, RUNNING

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Being a poop

20. Did you fall in love in 2006? Yeaaah

21. What was your favorite TV program? The Office . . . but I only saw it once.

22. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year? I love everyone! Unicorns and periwinkle clouds!

23. What was the best book you read? Read completely= For One More Day by Mitch Albom.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery? Regina Spektor . . . love, love, love her.

25. What did you want and get? Happiness

26. What did you want and not get? A tarantula (seriously)

27. What was your favorite film of this year? "The Constant Gardener"

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 21, and Scott and I went to Old Chicago's for beer and dinner.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Running a marathon

30. What kept you sane? My fantastic friends in Fort Collins and my family

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Barack Obama . . . I'm sure I'll think of 20 more in a few minutes.

32. Who did you miss? Uncle John

33. Who was the best new person you met? I made a lot of connections stronger.

34. A valuable life lesson you learned in 2006? I'm only human . . . but I'm still working on that one.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: From "The Long and Winding Road" by none other than the Beatles:

The long and winding road that leads to your door,
Will never disappear,
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here,
leads me to your door.

-and-

"Lanlocked Blues" by Bright Eyes:

If you walk away, I'll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
So you walk that way, I'll walk this way

And the future hangs over heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold, steady rain
Just stay in when it's looking this way.


I found a liquid cure from my landlocked blues
It would pass the way like a slow parade
It's leaving, but I don't know how soon

And the world's got me dizzy again
You think after twenty-two years I'd be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I'm always pacing around or walking away.

I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I'm balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
"If you love something, give it away."

I can sense that my parents don't want me to join the Peace Corps.

I can't live by what they want, though. PC is something I want to do more with each passing day. This might be my only opportunity in life to do something like this, and I don't want it to pass me by.

I ended up not seeing my friend in Denver this past weekend, due to the snow. We're supposed to have another storm coming in the next couple of days, which might cancel the conference I was supposed to go to. Usually, I would love snow . . . but not now.

My internship begins a week from today. I'm also taking two classes: one on substance abusers and another on adult offenders. It's ok, I like working hard . . .

I've decided I'm not going to cut my hair until after I graduate in May. I've never had long hair, but I'll try anything once . . .

I've also decided that I don't want to enter into any serious romantic relationships, not for a long, long , long time. I predict that there might be opportunities, but I must kindly decline. Dating . . . sure, maybe, but nothing beyond that, which includes the physical realm. It's just that I become a giant mess [especially] inside and out when relationships end, and I think I've had enough heartbreak to last me a while. It's just too terribly painful. I have some direction now regarding where I want my life to go, and I've got to focus on that.

I meant every word of that last paragraph.

Now that we've got that out of the way . . .

He untagged himself in pictures of us together . . . ouch.

Granted, I did the same a couple of weeks ago.

New year, new you . . .

For those of you who have cats, you can go to www.yourkittyhere.com to enter a picture of them for the Colorado Lottery. If they win, their photo will be on scratch cards.

I did it . . .

We went through my uncle's house, and chances are we won't have reason to go up there again. I took a few mementos from there: some hiking shoes of his that fit me, a beer Stein from Bavaria, and a marble pencil holder. It's odd taking things from someone's house; I don't think my gut will ever feel entirely good about it.

A girl I went to preschool with is coming out to see her family in Colorado, and we should be meeting up this weekend. Her father was in the military, so she moved a lot when we were kids, yet we've kept in touch for the past 15+ years via letters and email. I haven't seen her since the seventh grade. I hope that snow doesn't get in the way of our meeting . . .

I'm going to go back to my apartment January 11th. I'm going to a conference on education and 21st century democracy in Colorado on the 12th at the Colorado Convention Center. It begins at 8:30 a.m., and the shorter the drive there, the more I get to sleep in the morning . . .

I know I've mentioned Postsecret (http://postsecret.blogspot.com) previously. Sometimes, what I read on there makes me so sad, like one from this week:



Or this one:


I think it's because there are times when I can identify with the sentiment of the cards. All that you know about the sender is what they put on that small piece of paper, but sometimes it feels like you can interpret a lot more.

We're going to clean out my uncle's house in the next couple of days. It will be strange.

I got some money for Christmas, and I went browsing at a calendar store. I saw "Get in Touch with Your Inner Bitch," and, simply put, I liked what it had to say.

January 3rd: Judy Garland once said, "Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else."

March 29th: "I wish I had known as a teenager what I know today about my body, that whatever the shape or size, it's perfect." - Felicity Huffman

May 4th: "Whether one is planning a menu for a dinner party or running an international corporation, good judgement and taking time to reflect are more important than decisiveness." - Mary Catherine Bateson, anthropologist

June 22nd: An Inner Bitch Reminder: There's nothing wrong with doing something mindless for a while. Some of the best ideas ever have struck out of the blue during downtime- like the concept of gravity, or a solution to that big problem that's been bugging you.

The semester begins in about two weeks. Time to get my game face on . . .

It is a new year.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6200748.stm

If you haven't seen "An Inconvenient Truth," please do, ASAP.