I'm realizing that I'm going to have to make some big decisions about where I want to go in life soon.

I mailed in two sheets of fingerprints and a transcript to the Denver Peace Corps office yesterday. I should be hearing from a recruiter soon.

I'm realizing that to be "good" in my field, it's simply going to take practice and experience. Whether it be with running groups or counseling individuals, I just need the practical opportunities and some supervision. Social work is one of those things that is hard to learn from books and lectures. I think I try hard to not make mistakes, which sometimes means holding back, but I'm making progress.

It's bound to melt your heart
One way or another
It's bound to melt your heart
For good or for bad
It's like a valentine
From your mother
It's bound to melt your heart

And we've lost the people we could have loved, and you...
What you know you have or what you think you aren't
It's never perfect


- "Melt Your Heart," Jenny Lewis

Whoa, it's almost February. February, March, April, then I graduate.

My Peace Corps application is being reviewed in Denver now, and I should be hearing from a recruiter in the next two to three weeks. I can't believe the process is beginning . . .

I came home this weekend for an appointment, and to change the oil on my car. My grandma in WI and my aunt will be coming to visit us during the last week of February, which I'm looking forward to.

Overall, things are going well. I keep a picture of my uncle next to my computer, and from time to time it's hard to believe that he's not here anymore. But, life goes on.

Whoa. Sometimes life makes up for the really crappy times by giving you a really really good time. I'm happy with the way things are going now.

I'm worried about my internship, though. I feel like I'm not using my social work skills, but perhaps that comes with time (I've only been there a week). I hope to maybe lead some groups and meet with individuals, but the opportunity hasn't arisen. I'm meeting with a mentor soon, hopefully that will help . . .

There's this site called www.archiemcphee.com. I found an Avenging Norwahl playset (http://www.mcphee.com/items/11689.html) on there. I couldn't stop laughing whenever I would look at it; maybe it's the name?

I bought Rilo Kiley's "Takeoffs and Landings" yesterday on itunes.

If you want to find yourself by travelling out west
Or if you want to find somebody else that's better
Go ahead
Go ahead

If you want to buy a brand new fancy automobile
Or if you want to build a place up in Coldwater Canyon
Go ahead
Go ahead
Go ahead
I wish you would
Go ahead

If you want to hold your own hand going up that cliff
Or if you want to just hold back cause you ain't up to it
Go ahead
Go ahead
Go ahead
Be my guest
Go ahead

If you want to hold on to the first girl that you meet
Or if you want to settle down and plant roses at my feet
Go ahead
Go ahead
Go ahead
I wish you would
Go ahead

If you want to have your cake and eat it too
And if you want to have other people watch you while you eat it
Go ahead
Go ahead
Go ahead
Be my guest
Go ahead

If you want better things
I want you to have them
If you want better things
Then I want you to have them
Go ahead
Go ahead
Go ahead
I wish you would
Go ahead
Go ahead
I wish you would
Go ahead

So . . .

I never said that dating was out of the question.

There's a lot of space between dating and going further, and I'm going to take it slow with the former for now.

I ran 11.5 miles this week. I'm going to increase my weekly mileage by 11% each week, so next week I'll have to do a total of 12.77 miles. That equates to about 3.2 miles a day, 4x a week. It's a start . . .

In high school, I thought about entering a Special Education teaching program when I reached college. I eventually abandoned the idea for German, thinking that I would teach that.

I feel like I'm in my element when I'm in the classroom, especially with the students that I'm with now. One of the teachers at my internship got her Master's Degree in Special Education, although her undergraduate degree isn't in education or anything related to it. She made a comment that what she and the other teachers do is, essentially, its own form of social work. That five minute conversation has brought me to rethink my drive for the MSW.

Sometimes you come across a song that you think was written for your life.

Take "Crown of Love," by the Arcade Fire.

In my heart there’s flowers growin’
on the grave of our old love,
since you gave me a straight answer.

Mmm.

A story

At 7:45 am today, I noticed by car was driving strange as I got about four blocks away from my apartment, but my mind was more focused on my internship. At a stoplight, a woman honked her horn and told me my left tire was flat. I pulled off the road, and put on the spare. I drove another half a block and it still wasn't driving right, so I looked out my window and the SPARE was flat. I ended up walking to where I intern, and one of the teachers volunteered to take me after lunch to try and pump it up with a portable air compressor she has. It wasn't helping, so she called her husband, who promptly came. He spent about an hour and a half with me, and we ended up at a gas station where we bought some temporary puncture plugger-goo. That finally sealed up the spare, so I drove to a tire place, was told that they didn't have a replacement tire (I needed a new tire because I drove on the old one when it was flat), and went to Discount Tire. Apparently Sven is a rare size of tire, and the guy at DT called the other city DT store and found the only tire in Sven's size available in the whole STATE.

I had a coupon for a free Chipotle so I went and used it. The end.

I started my internship, and I officially have put in six hours. As far as I can tell, I think it's going to be an excellent fit for me. I've always been attracted to the teaching arena, so I'm getting good vibes. I'll become gradually more immersed in the lives of the students as time goes on and their trust in me builds, I hope.

I come home, finish up my work, eat spinach, run, sleep, see the friends and family who I love. I like this, living for myself, doing my own thing, when I want. I don't miss the companionship that came with a significant other anymore. It's going to stay that way. I'm up for dating, but I'm still going to need my space.

I got an email today from the Peace Corps. If you apply before January 20th, you will have the chance to leave whenever you desire in 2007. My application is finished, sans recommendations from a few people, but I take that email as a good omen.

Best feeling in the world, #1: Slipping under a heated electric blanket during winter.

Enlightenment came to me last night in one of the unlikeliest of places: a Liz Phair song on the radio.

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too . . .

I concur. At some point in the future, there will be another chance.

I start my internship on Tuesday . . . Aiiiiiiiiiii!

In the lull that is the week before the semester begins, I find myself doing things such as the following to pass the time:

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before? Leave the country, and buy alcohol legally . . .

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't think I made any last year . . .

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes

5. What countries did you visit? Switzerland, Germany, United Kingdom (does Heathrow count?)

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? A better German vocabulary . . . and my BSW, suckas!

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? No comment

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Making it through SW286 and six weeks speaking German

9. What was your biggest failure? Being naive

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Two ear infections at once, and then there was that one time when the dog bit my nose . . . ouch.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A fantastic book on European history that was only 10 Euros

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My uncle; I want to live like he did.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? qw4o9u50ae \thrplk oin b

14. Where did most of your money go? The tuition monster

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 1) Germany! 2) Love

16. What song will always remind you of 2006? The World Cup theme song, "Love Generation." I never want to hear that damn song again!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? A tad bit more melancholy, but also more hopeful . . .

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Self reflection, RUNNING

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Being a poop

20. Did you fall in love in 2006? Yeaaah

21. What was your favorite TV program? The Office . . . but I only saw it once.

22. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year? I love everyone! Unicorns and periwinkle clouds!

23. What was the best book you read? Read completely= For One More Day by Mitch Albom.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery? Regina Spektor . . . love, love, love her.

25. What did you want and get? Happiness

26. What did you want and not get? A tarantula (seriously)

27. What was your favorite film of this year? "The Constant Gardener"

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 21, and Scott and I went to Old Chicago's for beer and dinner.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Running a marathon

30. What kept you sane? My fantastic friends in Fort Collins and my family

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Barack Obama . . . I'm sure I'll think of 20 more in a few minutes.

32. Who did you miss? Uncle John

33. Who was the best new person you met? I made a lot of connections stronger.

34. A valuable life lesson you learned in 2006? I'm only human . . . but I'm still working on that one.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: From "The Long and Winding Road" by none other than the Beatles:

The long and winding road that leads to your door,
Will never disappear,
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here,
leads me to your door.

-and-

"Lanlocked Blues" by Bright Eyes:

If you walk away, I'll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
So you walk that way, I'll walk this way

And the future hangs over heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold, steady rain
Just stay in when it's looking this way.


I found a liquid cure from my landlocked blues
It would pass the way like a slow parade
It's leaving, but I don't know how soon

And the world's got me dizzy again
You think after twenty-two years I'd be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I'm always pacing around or walking away.

I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I'm balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
"If you love something, give it away."

I can sense that my parents don't want me to join the Peace Corps.

I can't live by what they want, though. PC is something I want to do more with each passing day. This might be my only opportunity in life to do something like this, and I don't want it to pass me by.

I ended up not seeing my friend in Denver this past weekend, due to the snow. We're supposed to have another storm coming in the next couple of days, which might cancel the conference I was supposed to go to. Usually, I would love snow . . . but not now.

My internship begins a week from today. I'm also taking two classes: one on substance abusers and another on adult offenders. It's ok, I like working hard . . .

I've decided I'm not going to cut my hair until after I graduate in May. I've never had long hair, but I'll try anything once . . .

I've also decided that I don't want to enter into any serious romantic relationships, not for a long, long , long time. I predict that there might be opportunities, but I must kindly decline. Dating . . . sure, maybe, but nothing beyond that, which includes the physical realm. It's just that I become a giant mess [especially] inside and out when relationships end, and I think I've had enough heartbreak to last me a while. It's just too terribly painful. I have some direction now regarding where I want my life to go, and I've got to focus on that.

I meant every word of that last paragraph.

Now that we've got that out of the way . . .

He untagged himself in pictures of us together . . . ouch.

Granted, I did the same a couple of weeks ago.

New year, new you . . .

For those of you who have cats, you can go to www.yourkittyhere.com to enter a picture of them for the Colorado Lottery. If they win, their photo will be on scratch cards.

I did it . . .

We went through my uncle's house, and chances are we won't have reason to go up there again. I took a few mementos from there: some hiking shoes of his that fit me, a beer Stein from Bavaria, and a marble pencil holder. It's odd taking things from someone's house; I don't think my gut will ever feel entirely good about it.

A girl I went to preschool with is coming out to see her family in Colorado, and we should be meeting up this weekend. Her father was in the military, so she moved a lot when we were kids, yet we've kept in touch for the past 15+ years via letters and email. I haven't seen her since the seventh grade. I hope that snow doesn't get in the way of our meeting . . .

I'm going to go back to my apartment January 11th. I'm going to a conference on education and 21st century democracy in Colorado on the 12th at the Colorado Convention Center. It begins at 8:30 a.m., and the shorter the drive there, the more I get to sleep in the morning . . .

I know I've mentioned Postsecret (http://postsecret.blogspot.com) previously. Sometimes, what I read on there makes me so sad, like one from this week:



Or this one:


I think it's because there are times when I can identify with the sentiment of the cards. All that you know about the sender is what they put on that small piece of paper, but sometimes it feels like you can interpret a lot more.

We're going to clean out my uncle's house in the next couple of days. It will be strange.

I got some money for Christmas, and I went browsing at a calendar store. I saw "Get in Touch with Your Inner Bitch," and, simply put, I liked what it had to say.

January 3rd: Judy Garland once said, "Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else."

March 29th: "I wish I had known as a teenager what I know today about my body, that whatever the shape or size, it's perfect." - Felicity Huffman

May 4th: "Whether one is planning a menu for a dinner party or running an international corporation, good judgement and taking time to reflect are more important than decisiveness." - Mary Catherine Bateson, anthropologist

June 22nd: An Inner Bitch Reminder: There's nothing wrong with doing something mindless for a while. Some of the best ideas ever have struck out of the blue during downtime- like the concept of gravity, or a solution to that big problem that's been bugging you.

The semester begins in about two weeks. Time to get my game face on . . .

It is a new year.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6200748.stm

If you haven't seen "An Inconvenient Truth," please do, ASAP.