I don't know if you read this.

I'm too timid to say this to you directly, but I need to say it.

I miss you, and no one can fill your place in my heart.

If you want to try things again, I'll be here waiting.

I can promise you that.

When I graduate and get a paying job, I'm going to get two dogs and name then Zak and Sara, after the Ben Folds song.

Just for the record.

When I was in Germany this past summer, I went running in a forest/ park type of area near where I was living.

I would start running, and I would feel like I could go forever. The trails crisscrossed through mounds of trees, and I would just follow whichever one came first. I don't know if it was the lower altitude, but I never even felt tired.

That was a nice feeling, to be able to run with what felt like half the effort I would have needed when I'd run in the past.

I suppose that's the way of things; sometimes we need more energy and strength than we would otherwise, when things are "normal."

I'm really not feeling Halloween this year. The thrill I used to get out of it would come from being someone else, but it's just not doing anything for me this year.

Bear with me. These next couple of months are going to be tough for me.

Time can do a lot, but it's impossible to predict what it will bring. Argue all you want about statistics, the odds of the universe, religion . . . we simply don't know for sure.

It's the interim that kills me.

Taking a cue from the Killers, smile like you mean it. That's going to be my goal.

I went to the grocery store yesterday, and passed by the deodorant section to find the one that he wears. I stood there and smelled it, then walked away.

It's going to be a while until I can go in and buy yogurt and bananas without smelling deodorant.

Does anyone else remember this song?

The Verve Pipe- "Freshmen"

When I was young and knew everything
And she a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stompin' baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

(Chorus)
For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's
Vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of
Valium and slept
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really
Wept he says

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

(Chorus)

We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lack in relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our
Heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip
We'd say

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

Coldplay

When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away

So if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

When you thought that it was over
You could feel it all around
And everybody's out to get you
Don't you let it drag you down

'Cos if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

If you ever feel neglected
If you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

Now I never meant to do you wrong
That’s what I came here to say
But if I was wrong then I'm sorry
But don’t let it stand in our way
Cause my head just aches when I think of
The things I shouldn’t have done
But life is for living we all know
And I don’t want to live it alone
Sing ah, ah, ah
Sing ah, ah, ah
And you sing ah, ah, ah

I just got out of my social policy class, where we talked about domestic violence and sexual abuse.

-Children in DV homes are 6X as likely to commit suicide
-Child abuse is 15X more likely to occur in DV homes
-50-75% of batterers abuse their children

I live with three guys. About a month ago, they (along with one of their friends) would say horrendously sexist things to me. "Silence!" was one thing said to me when I would talk or ask a question, among other things.

I was caught utterly off guard. I have encountered sexism in my life, but never has it been so blatant.

I said something that brought it to a stop, but it still crops up now and then (usually via the friend who comes over).

They really are good guys, and I am very happy to be living with them. The fact is that I know they're above comments like that, and that's what frustrates me.

After today, I don't think I can help but being fierce in responding to even the tiniest of comments implying degradation of women. I've been assertive, but maybe it takes more than that.

There's too much at stake.

This week:

German Drama Test on Wednesday
Social Policy Quiz on Friday

I also need to figure out a topic for my policy paper. I'm thinking either gun control or the War on Drugs, just because I don't know a lot about them.

I was just looking at classes for spring semester, and there's one for animal assisted therapy. It's discouraged to take classes while you're in field, but this is too good to pass up.

I got my test back for HD302, and I ended up getting a 52 out of 60. I studied my ass off for that test, poring over the notes and text.

Come test time, there are questions such as "What are the names of the TAs?" Psh.

I never let people see me cry. I'll do it alone, but not in front of other people.

I turn 21 a week from today, so when I found a certain book in the CSU bookstore on sale for $3.00, I thought I'd go all out and buy it.

It's called Adam's Navel: A Natural and Cultural History of the Human Form by Michael Sims. It basically gives a run down of every body part via anecdotes and references to things throughout history. You know you're jealous.

I've decided that I'm going to go to grad school after I graduate. My adviser said that some people like to get working experience beforehand, but I feel like I need to keep plugging along.

A professor of mine said that although there's a good grad program here, I would learn a lot more by leaving Colorado, and I highly value his opinion.

I've been looking around online, and both the University of Michigan and Washington University in St. Louis have programs that strike me.

There are fellowships and scholarships I want to apply for. If I get them, going out of state will be a real possibility. If not, I think I will remain here.