I was just looking through some of my old things, and I found this picture. During my senior year of high school, my English teacher included it in our syllabus. At the time I thought it was trite, but two years and innumerable experiences later, I find it worth thinking about (click to enlarge).

I reconfigured my schedule:

MWF: Generalist Practice- Organizations and Communities, Social Welfare Policy, and Approaches to German Literature

TR: Marriage and Family Relationships and Generalist Practice- Small Groups

I went down from 18 to 15 credits, mainly because I really wanted to take Marriage and Family Relationships. This was during the 400 level German class (my last class required for a German minor), so I figured I could take MF Relationships in the fall and L400G in the spring during field placement. That way, I get the minor squared away, and I still am exposed to German.

I hope that's a reasonable plan . . .

Today's my parent's 22nd anniversary.

22 years . . . hmm.

Rilo Kiley- The Good That Won't Come Out of Us

Let's get together and talk about the modern age.
All of our friends were gathered there with their pets
just talking shit about how we're all so upset about the disappearing ground.
As we watch it melt....

It's all of the good that won't come out of us
and how eventually our hands will just turn to dust,
if we keep shaking them.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Cause they make you stay real still in a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display.
They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.

All the good that won't come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
lying here in your warm embrace.

Oh, you're almost home.
I've been waiting for you to come in.
Dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again.
I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in
the street.
You say I choose sadness
that it never once has chosen me.
Maybe you're right...

Let's talk about all of our friends who lost the war
And all of the novels that had yet to be written about them.

It's all the good that won't come out of them
and all the stupid lies they hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
Standing here on this frozen lake.

It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

Motivation right now is at an all time low.

I went to the bookstore to buy a personal panacea (aka Burt's Bees lip balm), and browsed the clearance rack. I found Haiku U.: From Aristotle to Zola, 100 Great Books in 17 Syllables by David M. Bader. It was $3, and I couldn't pass it up.

Some selections:

The Metamorphosis- Franz Kafka

"What have I become?"
Uncertain, Gregor Samsa
puts out some feelers.

Oedipus Rex- Sophocles

Chorus: Poor bastard.
Oedipus: This is awful!
Blind Seer: Told you so.

One Hundred Years of Solitude- Gabriel Garcia Márquez

Plagues, incest, madness,
human pig- children. Dios!
Where does the time go?

The Call of the Wild- Jack London

Alaskan tundra-
a dog finds his inner wolf.
White snows turn yellow.

The Canterbury Tales- Geoffrey Chaucer

Pilgrimmes on spryng braecke-
roadde trippe! Whoe farrtted? Yiuw didde.
Noe, naught meae. Yaes, yiuw.

I wish I could rewind to two years ago, as that's about when I left home to live elsewhere for the majority of the year.

I think it was then that the relationship between my sister and I changed. She started looking for other sources of emotional support, as I pursued what I felt I needed. I think that as each day passed, the voids in each of us were filled in different ways.

We come together now, and it becomes apparent where we've navigated within in our lives, either consciously or unconsciously, positively or negatively.

The trust and confidentiality we used to have seems so superficial now. We used to be able to do and say anything together. It was almost like she was my second self, just younger and more stubborn. I miss that freedom.

This is what I want for my 21st birthday:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/4930794.stm

Two more weeks of classes, then finals week.

This past week has been productive, I think. Last Aufsatz was due last Monday, and I turned in my two big papers for SW330 and SW340 on Thursday. German test was last Friday, and I think it went well. I got things squared away for PY327 over the weekend, so that's done.

But who wants to listen to me rattle on about school? Not exactly the most tantalizing subject.

I really need to start thinking long and hard about where I'll be a year from now. I think I'm going to get some SW experience before plunging into grad school, per the advice of professors and SW grads.

I'm still playing with the idea of the Peace Corps. On the other hand, though, I could get a job through an agency (or otherwise) and learn a lot there as well.

My little sister is capable of going on to so many great things.

I won't go into detail, but let it be said that I don't agree with a lot of the decisions she's been making. Spending time with her a few weeks ago was like spending time with a stranger who's face I recognized, but attitude, language, and interests I did not.

I am able to separate a person from their behavior. I love my sister, but not her behavior.

I used to be able to be around her and say and do anything I wanted without fear of judgement, but I felt like I was walking eggshells around her.

People do change, I know, but this one's hard to accept.

On a different note . . . .

I bought a ticket to see the Laramie Project on 4/28 at 8:00 pm. Tickets are $6, and it's being performed at the university theater. If you want to come with, great.

I had a study abroad meeting today, and it's becoming apparent just how much I don't know about going to a different country. I try so hard to ensure that I know EXACTLY what to expect, but I have a feeling that I'm going to have to learn that I can't always get my way in that respect.

Three more weeks of class, then finals.

The mantis egg case is due to hatch sometime. The cases usually spend the winter outside, but I kept mine inside by my window for the past six months or so, so I don't know if I'll end up with nymphs or not. Damn, why didn't it occur to me to put it in the fridge?

I talked to my mom last night for about half an hour over the phone. We talked a lot about relationships, especially ones she had had in college. I've never really known that side of her, that is, the young, romantic, hopeful college student.

I told her about how I feel like I don't forget the past easily. For two months I was fooled into believing that things were great within a former relationship; I never had an inkling that it would go sour until it bit me, completely and utterly out of the blue.

Surely, I've gotten over the person, and I'm not hung up on him. Nevertheless, I have distinct memories of what it feels like to be told that someone you care for doesn't want to have anything to do with you.

My mom told me that it's a trust issue; once you've had your heart broken, you're particularly hesitant to put it out there again.

It made so much sense.

I'm with someone now, and every minute I spend with him, a little bit of my protective shell gets chiseled away. It's reassuring.

I think I'm going to deviate slightly from the norm and ask you, whoever you are, what you think.

1) What is love?
2) What does it require to live in the moment?
3) Which is worse: holding onto the past or worrying incessantly about the future?
4) What does the word "ideal" mean?
5) What is happiness for you?

Loaded questions, I know, but I get bored with my own thoughts sometimes.

I just signed up for classes for Fall 2006, two of which include L400 German and L310 Approaches to German Literature. After I'm done with those puppies, I've got a German minor under my belt.

Besides those, I'm taking Contemporary Chicana/o Issues, Social Welfare Policy, Generalist Practice with Small Groups, and G.P. with Organizations and Communities. Spring 2007 will be field placement.

I'm happy with my decision to not RA next year. I realize that I really need to devote my energies to concentrated areas in the near future, and I really don't feel I could be a quality RA and do that at the same time. It has been a good year, though, and I'm glad I had the opportunity.

These past two weeks have been a whirlwind of happenings, but it's exciting.

Am I the only one who's uneasy around cracking knuckles/ backs/ necks/ ankles?

I've found two amazingly good songs: "Cocoon" by the Decemberists and "Before You Cry" by Camera Obscura.

Hmm, so many things are running through my head right now, and those are the only two things that I could squeeze out. Harrumph.

I just bought my tickets for Germany this summer. On June 30th I fly from Denver into London, and from London to Frankfurt. I take a train from Frankfurt to Hannover . . . and it is there that it all begins!

I'm going to be with two of my friends for three of the four flights, so that will be good, I think.

I've wanted to go to Germany since 6th grade, and it's finally going to happen. Unbelievable.

Throughout the day, I can always think of a million things I'd like to write about when I take my ten minutes to make a blog post, but when the time actually comes . . . I've got nothing.

6 weeks left of school (including finals week). I bought a speedometer for my bike, so I'm going to start riding throughout the week and track how far I go. I thought my knee was getting better, but today I went out to shoot baskets, and it wasn't going to have any part of that. So . . . running is going to be on hold until that clears up.

I hope I see a Mourning Cloak soon:


At least twice when I was a kid, I collected as many larvae as I could find; at one time I had at least five caterpillars that grew to adults. I'd feed them Aspen leaves and watch them grow until they formed a chrysalis:




I would expect them to be around during early spring. They were always a sign that school was nearing an end, and the days of summer were an arm's length away.

Sometimes in my life, I just want to freeze frame specific moments. I want to keep more than a mental picture. I want the way that I felt like I couldn't trust my eyes, the complete ignorance of background noise, the utter happiness to be there for me to referance at a moment's notice. When I'm old, I want to remember every single, minute detail with the greatest magnitude of emotion and connection as possible.

Switching gears . . .

Guster was yesterday, and they were AAAMAZING. My family came up too, and it was a good time.

I just put a request out for Madam Butterfly via Interlibrary loan.

I think I've got a handle on school, for the moment.

There's someone who makes me happy.

I'm going to try and ride the bike for an extended amount of time, five days a week. The knee's out of commission for running, but I have to get back into shape.

Ich weiss nicht, was ich machen soll. Ich habe ihn gern, aber gehen Dinge zu schnell? Ich kenne ihn nicht am besten; wird mein Herz gebrochen? Ich glaube nicht, aber es gibt mir Angst. Ich weiss, dass alles wird ok; ich soll mich nicht sorgen.

Jedenfalls kommt die Familie heute. Sie bringen meinen Hund, sodass ich sie sehen kann. Ich amüsiere mich immer mit ihr. Sie werden hier bis morgen, und meine Schwester und ich werden zu Guster heute Nacht gehen.

Wenn man kein Deutsch spricht . . . es tut mir leid. Warum schreibe ich auf Deutsch? Am erstens, muss ich üben. In ungefähr drei Monate, werde ich nach Deutschland fliegen. Mein Deutsch ist nicht am besten, und ich muss besser. Am zweitens, kann ich mich frei exprimieren.

Fragen?